The Science of Relations

In our assembly-line mentality about education, the centrality of relationships is lost.  We underestimate (in fact, we hardly acknowledge) the necessity of right relationship in education anymore.  In the next few posts, I'm going to be discussing three core issues around the role of relationships in education: the relationships between 1) student and teacher, 2) student and student, and 3) student and content.

It pains me to see how "discipline" (if that's what it can be called) is handled in our school system.  It is a rule-based system that attempts to delineate exactly which behaviors are "inappropriate" and what punishment those behaviors will warrant.  Lost by the wayside is the goal of what we ultimately want to see in our children, which is not the ability to follow rules, but the ability to have empathy for those around them and, perhaps, to think of others before they think of themselves.

This rule-based discipline will never be able to teach these things, because it fails to address that right behavior is based not on a cosmic set of rules, or even a societally-agreed-upon set of rules, but it is based on whether it strengthens or weakens relationships.

When Christ is asked about the greatest commandment, what does he respond with?  Relationship.  Why is this so hard for us to understand?

A student belligerently disregards the instructions of the teacher.  The teacher sends him to the principal.  The principal then applies the appropriate discipline, given by the code of conduct, to the student.  The student takes what's coming to him and returns to the class, filled with bitterness and anger at the teacher who exerted their authority.  If he argues, we usually hurt the situation even more by, of all things, appealing to the child's self-interest!  "You will need to learn how to follow instructions when you're in college."  "You'll need to know how to submit to authority when you have a boss in a real job."  This situation is replayed countless times a week in schools all over the place.  Yet the thing that is not addressed in the child is that which is most vital!  The child has broken relationship with the teacher.  If there is not trust and good faith between a teacher and student, the whole environment is poisoned, impacting all of the students' ability to learn, the teacher's ability to teach, and the emotional health of all involved.  Until that relationship has been righted through sincere contrition and an expression of good will, then the student will not learn like they should, the teacher will care less, and the student certainly doesn't learn that their relationships with other people are by far the most important thing they can possess; far more valuable than a diploma, or a career, or money.

This is from Charlotte Mason's biography by Essex Cholmondley, written from the perspective of one of Mason's students:

"Once, and once only in my student days, was she confronted with one of those examples of youth's foolish rebellion which were commonplaces of school life in those days - her method of dealing with the situation gave me a marvellous insight into what she meant by discipline - nothing was 'done to' the offenders - we were all simply left to talk over the situation and find a solution; the offenders having time 'to come to themselves' bitterly repented, and found, I think greatly to their surprise, that public opinion had been entirely against them."